Stone eggs

My childhood companions, whom I call "the loneliness birds," have returned, laying their stone eggs in my heart. Would that I could be rid of them once and for all. Would that I could live out Isaiah 26:3, "You (Yahweh) will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts You." Instead my mind is filled with other things. Of my beloved grandfather, who stubbornly refuses to place his hope in Christ. Of my brother, who lives a few blocks from me and yet remains a world apart. Of my Greek family, going to trial this week over Yia Yia's estate. Of a friend who had a miscarriage last week.

Sometimes I feel like Paul in 2 Corinthians 1:8 "...burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life." Except that my burdens seem nothing in comparison. No one is threatening to beat me or imprison me or kill me. I feel very unjustified in feeling burdened or weighed down in the first place. I have an incredibly blessed life and am without excuse. The truth is, the anxious thoughts that keep me up at night are usually not of the hurting people in my life. They're much more self-centered. What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? Am I wasting my life? Will I end up like crazy Aunt Imogen afterall?

My heart has been so off. It's time to look again at what the Lord has done for me, through me, in spite of me. If you know me, you know I love lists (A, B, 3, etc.). Here's a list of sorts...

Things I'm grateful for:
The Lord's unending patience with my wayward, fickle heart
Dave and Keri's wedding, their godly example, their steadfast devotion to the glory of God
A heart strong enough to handle copious amounts of coffee
Snow-covered hills in Ashland
Laughing with Grado and Elle
Cafe Brasil
Tickets for To Kill a Mockingbird!
Getting all the days off for spring break in Mexico - praise the Lord!
Living near my sisters, geographically and in my soul
New favorite artists like Norah Jean and The Civil Wars
Being asked to be the co-maid of honor at Leah's wedding
My compost worms are still alive (so are my houseplants!)
Lunch dates with Papa
Dark chocolate with sea salt and almonds
God's love for me. Still blows me away.
Nutella
Getting taxes back and paying off a loan
Coffee dates with Amo
Naps
Remembering that this world is not our home. It gets so much better than all this heartache.
A car that keeps running (and a radio that plays loudly so I don't have to hear the odd noises the car makes)
The 3D ultrasound of my tenth niece or nephew
Finding out an eleventh niece or nephew is due in September
The promise of Spring
A phone call from a friend I haven't talked to in a while
Highschool students that invite me to be a part of their lives
Hope

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart, even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

The Challenge

Lately I have been struck by how much stuff I have. The more money I make, the more I spend on myself. I find myself making daily trips to Starbucks, grocery shopping at the most expensive, organic markets, eating out often, and taking more trips. I think of the teenagers I met in the favela in Brazil. Of the children at the orphanage in Mexico. Of Joni, the woman I met last week on the corner, holding a sign asking for money. And I am disgusted with myself. With my greed, my consumerism, my materialism.

So here's the challenge I'm setting out to accomplish: For the next year, instead of swinging by Target or the mall everytime I think I need something, I will only buy used things, borrow, or go without (except food and toiletries). I'm not doing this to make myself more holy, but I have to do something different. I can't keep living in this wasteful, gluttonous way while the majority of the world lacks basic necessities such a food, water, and shelter.

I want to learn to be more generous with others and not so self-consumed. A life poured out. For His glory, not my own.

The endless ache

Do you ever ache for more? Deep in the pit of my soul, I know there must be more than this. Part of this "knowing" is that I truly believe we were each created for a greater, eternal purpose. That this world is not our ultimate destination and we're given just one lifetime here.

Yet, there is a longing in my heart that cries out for more right now, in this moment, with this breath. My life is full of many things, mostly good things, what many would call "godly" things. But lately I have been examining my life, my words, my motives, my actions. My conclusion is this- if it isn't God-glorifying, if it isn't pointing others to Christ, then why am I doing it?

I'm not talking about legalism here. I'm not trying to add another list of do's and dont's. I'm talking about living a Holy Spirit filled life. That as 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." So that whether I'm at church on Sunday morning or at work in the middle of the night or at a coffee shop with a friend, I'm doing it all to the glory of God. Not consumed with ME (when, lets face it, the life of a single person is often all about ME), but filled with Him.

My soul is thirsty and aching and filled with longing. Herein lies the answer: Isaiah 58:10-11;

"If you extend your soul to the hungry,

And satisfy the afflicted soul,

Then your light shall dawn in the darkness,

And your darkness shall be as the noonday.

The Lord will guide you continually,

And satisfy your soul in drought,

And strengthen your bones;

You shall be like a watered garden,

And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail."

O, Lord, I make my life a prayer to You. Teach me to walk in the Spirit, to hear a word behind me telling me to turn to the left of the right (Isaiah 30:21). Teach me to walk in the old paths. I don't want to waste this one life that You have given me. I don't want to waste another breath. May I be like a drink offering, poured out for You, O my King.

Breaking Free

Lately I have been struck by the enormity of God's grace. Not to say that I fully understand or grasp it, but there have been these defining moments where Iam utterly blown away by His mercy and love. Moments in my life where I blatantly said in my heart, "Lord, I don't care what you have to say, this is the way I want to walk." And instead of striking me down right there or turning His back on me forever, He stretched out His hand and gave me another chance to grasp it.

Manasseh was a king of Judah in the Old Testament. He was one of the worst kings and did evil in the sight of the Lord. He placed a carved idol in the House ofthe Lord, he openly worshiped false gods and led the people to do the same. He lived a life in blatant opposition to what the Lord commanded and led an entire nation away from the Lord.

2 Chronicles 33:10-13 says, "And the Lord spoke to Manasseh and his people, but they would not listen. Therefore the Lord brought upon them the captains of the army of the king of Assyria, who took Manasseh with hooks and bound him with bronze fetters, and carried him off to Babylon. Now when he was in affliction, he implored the Lord his God, and humbled himself greatly before the God of his fathers, and prayed to Him: and He received his entreaty, heard his supplication, and brought him back to Jerusalem into his kingdom. Then Manasseh knew that the LORD was God."

Some people view God like He is out to get us or like He doesn't care what happens to us. But this is a far cry from the truth. God is the God ofRedemption. He desires that none should perish. Did you catch that? None. Hecame that we would have life and life to the full. He came to bind up the brokenhearted, to set the captives free, to give sight to the blind, to heal the sick.He came for you, for me, for that coworker that gets under your skin, that thick headed family member, the checker at the grocery store, the drunk on the corner with a sign, and every other person. But He didn't come to just save you. He came to save you and then use you to point others to Him. Don't miss out on what Christ has called us to. This life is but a vapor, here and then gone.

Created to worship

I've never really understood the term "idolatry" and so assumed it couldn't possibly apply to me. Come to find out, just because I don't understand something, does not mean it doesn't apply to me. Only took me 25 years to figure that out. The dictionary defines idolatry as "blind or excessive devotion to something."

We were created to worship. Not to just worship anything, but to worship our Creator specifically. But, guarantee, if we're not caught up in worship to Him, we're worshipping something or someone else. I'm not talking about the thirty minutes of singing on Sunday morning, but of the 10, 050 other minutes that make up our week.

We're going through 1 Corinthians at church and Pastor Mark's (I stole these ideas from him) teaching yesterday was from chapter 10, with an emphasis on verse 14 "Therefore, my beloved, flee from idolatry."

He gave us a little quiz to help us figure out what it is we worship (what is an idol in our life)...

1. What are you most afraid of? (poverty? rejection? aloneness?)

2. What would make you fall apart if you lost it?

3. What are you most passionate about?

4. What makes you come alive?

5. Where do you run for comfort? (alcohol? tv? food?)

6. When you have that empty/hungry feeling, what do you turn to?

7. What do you complain about the most?

8. When someone criticizes you, how do you react?

9. What makes you the happiest?

10. How do you explain yourself to others? How do you introduce who you are? (the neighborhood you live in? what you do for a living? your education? your income?)

11. What do you brag about? (your ministry? your car? your job? your skills?)

12. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be? (what would you chase after only to get it and discover it didn't give you what you thought?)

13. Who's approval are you seeking? Who are you hoping will say "good job" to you?

"There is nothing greater in life than being who God created you to be, doing what He created you to do, worshipping Whom He created you to worship." ~ Pastor Mark Anderson

So, what is it that you worship?

Grief and Counseling

Today I walked into the Mt. Hermon bookstore. As I was perusing the aisles, the section titled "Grief and Counseling" caught my eye. Mostly because they dedicated the bottom shelf of this section to "Singles." Seriously? Under "Grief and Counseling? Couldn't they find space in any other section?

The Quest for Contentment

Jeremiah 6: 16 “Thus says the LORD: ‘ Stand in the ways and see, and ask for the old paths, where the good way is, and walk in it: then you will find rest for your souls.’”

If you had asked me five years ago where I’d be in May of 2010, I would have said in a hut in the middle of Africa with a baby slung on my back. If you had asked me two years ago, I would’ve said in a trailer in upstate New York. Six months ago I said Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. Well, now it’s May of 2010 and I’m in none of those places.

I have been restless for as long as I can remember. Always longing for new adventures, dreaming of unchartered territories, yearning for foreign lands, aching for something different. I’ve always attributed this to a God-given desire and call to go into all the world and preach the Gospel. While I still believe that is partly the reason, I’m starting to wonder if it’s something more.

In the Princess Bride, towards the end of the movie, Inigo is waiting in the thieves quarters. When the brute squad tries to make him leave he answers, “I am waiting for you, Vizzini. You told me to go back to the beginning. So I have. This is where I am, and this is where I'll stay. I will not be moved.” This is where I am right now. Going back to the beginning, back to the basics of my faith.

For so long I have been focused on doing big things for God, that I’ve forsaken everything else. As Edmund said in Jane Austen’s Mansfield Park, “I was so anxious to do what is right, that I forgot to do what is right.” The Lord calls us to be faithful in the small things, in the day to day grind, in the mundane and ordinary tasks. I want to be a woman of my word. I want people to know that my yes is my yes and my no is my no.

I don’t know how long this will take, but I’m going to put my hand to the plow and not look back. I’m going to figure out the root of this restlessness in my heart and seek to find satisfaction in Christ alone.