More than a Starbucks life

Last night I dreamt of one of my last nights in Africa. The night the baby died, his mother not far behind. The tears I cried for her, the ones she wasn't free to shed as her infant was placed in a cardboard box on the ground. The dream was as haunting as the real experience had been. I woke up disoriented this morning.

Strange that I should find myself here, in a townhouse, living alone. Four walls that give me "security." Rooms filled with things. What am I doing? How'd I get here? This is the opposite of the life I've always longed to live. Weeks go by, slipping into months, fading into years. I feel trapped and claustrophobic. Am I destined to spend my the rest of my days longing for something I don't have? Longing for my own home, my own family? Am I destined to spend the rest of my nights working graveyard, under the glaring stare of florescent lights in a hospital?

My heart cries out for more. It's like I am watching myself from the outside, screaming at myself to not waste my life. Yet each day that passes brings more certainty that I am indeed wasting my life. Oh Jesus, I need You to do a work in me. You are the giver of life and I know that only through You will I truly be made alive again. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear You Lord.

Distraction

Today I had orientation for my new job. It included lots of sitting and powerpoint presentations. Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to take advantage of this time and make a list of every other thing I’d rather be doing…

1) Buy bird paper to make cards (thanks for the idea, Elle. Put a bird on it = art)
2) Come up with a running plan
3) Look for slightly-used running shoes online
4) Meet one on one with each high school girl going to Mexico in two weeks
5) Go on a personal retreat to spend time with the Lord seeking clarity and direction and vision for my life
6) Borrow Leah’s guitar
7) Buy tickets to a play or opera for Papa’s birthday weekend in San Francisco next week
8) Find leaves and/or sawdust for my smelly compost
9) Buy more herbs to grow indoors
10) Buy Na’s dining room table
11) Diligently look for a roommate
12) Practice Spanish. Take another class. Become an English tutor to someone Spanish-speaking. 13) Look for a job that doesn’t include keeping ridiculous hours (doctor’s office? School nurse? Health department?)
14) Stop being lazy and apathetic and get involved in ministering to the least of these. Homeless ministry? Volunteer at the Pregnancy Resource Center?
15) Explore creativity – make more writing goals, work on THE BOOK, paint things, take some djemba lessons
16) Finish the Candyland project for Austin
17) Finish making the aprons for Taylor, Sevan, and Lily – everyone loves belated Christmas presents
18) Send a care package to John-Michael and clan in Kaua’i
19) Look on half.com for SkippyJon Jones books for Elijah
20)Get a cat? Might as well fully embrace the stereotype. (Don't tell Amy or Kyla or they will talk me out of it)
21) Get a bike
22) Sign up for a half marathon. Look for a triathlon. Learn to swim.
23) Go to Disneyland with the sistahs and kiddos in October?
24) Europe next spring?
25) Entrepreneur ideas (I don’t want to spend the rest of my working life under florescent lights) – lay midwifery, doula, childbirth education…
26) Become a barista
27) Figure out things I haven’t done or seen in the Rogue Valley and then go do them slash see them
28) Develop my couchsurfing.com profile. Get another couch. Get a guest bed.
29) Buy a used camera and pretend to be a photographer

30) Grow my own bean sprouts
Send hand-written letters to all those people I’ve been meaning to send hand-written letters to.

A fulfilled life with unfulfilled desires

"God never witholds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God's refusals are always merciful -- "severe mercies" at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better." Elisabeth Elliot

And so the sifting process begins again. I'm not sure why I ever think it's through. God is ever refining and shaping me into the woman He created me to be. He could make my life easy and pain-free, but not if He's going to conform me to the image of His Son. I have this image of my broken, sliced open, and hemorrhaging heart. A band-aid would do me no good. Instead, the Lord's nail-scarred hand applies deep, breath-taking pressure. Oh how it hurts! But I know through this pain and discomfort will come ultimate healing. He wants to bind up my brokenheart in order to make me whole again. Rather, to make me whole for the first time.

I love the passages of scripture that compare us to trees planted by streams of water (Psalm 1:1-3; Isaiah 61:1-3). How I long to be like a tree, firmly rooted in Christ. Quenched by the water of the word, growing by the light of the Son. Steadfast and unshakable, despite the chaos around me, despite disappointment, despite heartache. Gazing always heavenward, eyes fixed upon Jesus, no matter if I stand in a forest or stand alone. Would that He was my only desire!

Stone eggs

My childhood companions, whom I call "the loneliness birds," have returned, laying their stone eggs in my heart. Would that I could be rid of them once and for all. Would that I could live out Isaiah 26:3, "You (Yahweh) will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts You." Instead my mind is filled with other things. Of my beloved grandfather, who stubbornly refuses to place his hope in Christ. Of my brother, who lives a few blocks from me and yet remains a world apart. Of my Greek family, going to trial this week over Yia Yia's estate. Of a friend who had a miscarriage last week.

Sometimes I feel like Paul in 2 Corinthians 1:8 "...burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life." Except that my burdens seem nothing in comparison. No one is threatening to beat me or imprison me or kill me. I feel very unjustified in feeling burdened or weighed down in the first place. I have an incredibly blessed life and am without excuse. The truth is, the anxious thoughts that keep me up at night are usually not of the hurting people in my life. They're much more self-centered. What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? Am I wasting my life? Will I end up like crazy Aunt Imogen afterall?

My heart has been so off. It's time to look again at what the Lord has done for me, through me, in spite of me. If you know me, you know I love lists (A, B, 3, etc.). Here's a list of sorts...

Things I'm grateful for:
The Lord's unending patience with my wayward, fickle heart
Dave and Keri's wedding, their godly example, their steadfast devotion to the glory of God
A heart strong enough to handle copious amounts of coffee
Snow-covered hills in Ashland
Laughing with Grado and Elle
Cafe Brasil
Tickets for To Kill a Mockingbird!
Getting all the days off for spring break in Mexico - praise the Lord!
Living near my sisters, geographically and in my soul
New favorite artists like Norah Jean and The Civil Wars
Being asked to be the co-maid of honor at Leah's wedding
My compost worms are still alive (so are my houseplants!)
Lunch dates with Papa
Dark chocolate with sea salt and almonds
God's love for me. Still blows me away.
Nutella
Getting taxes back and paying off a loan
Coffee dates with Amo
Naps
Remembering that this world is not our home. It gets so much better than all this heartache.
A car that keeps running (and a radio that plays loudly so I don't have to hear the odd noises the car makes)
The 3D ultrasound of my tenth niece or nephew
Finding out an eleventh niece or nephew is due in September
The promise of Spring
A phone call from a friend I haven't talked to in a while
Highschool students that invite me to be a part of their lives
Hope

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart, even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."

The Challenge

Lately I have been struck by how much stuff I have. The more money I make, the more I spend on myself. I find myself making daily trips to Starbucks, grocery shopping at the most expensive, organic markets, eating out often, and taking more trips. I think of the teenagers I met in the favela in Brazil. Of the children at the orphanage in Mexico. Of Joni, the woman I met last week on the corner, holding a sign asking for money. And I am disgusted with myself. With my greed, my consumerism, my materialism.

So here's the challenge I'm setting out to accomplish: For the next year, instead of swinging by Target or the mall everytime I think I need something, I will only buy used things, borrow, or go without (except food and toiletries). I'm not doing this to make myself more holy, but I have to do something different. I can't keep living in this wasteful, gluttonous way while the majority of the world lacks basic necessities such a food, water, and shelter.

I want to learn to be more generous with others and not so self-consumed. A life poured out. For His glory, not my own.

The endless ache

Do you ever ache for more? Deep in the pit of my soul, I know there must be more than this. Part of this "knowing" is that I truly believe we were each created for a greater, eternal purpose. That this world is not our ultimate destination and we're given just one lifetime here.

Yet, there is a longing in my heart that cries out for more right now, in this moment, with this breath. My life is full of many things, mostly good things, what many would call "godly" things. But lately I have been examining my life, my words, my motives, my actions. My conclusion is this- if it isn't God-glorifying, if it isn't pointing others to Christ, then why am I doing it?

I'm not talking about legalism here. I'm not trying to add another list of do's and dont's. I'm talking about living a Holy Spirit filled life. That as 1 Corinthians 10:31 says, "Therefore, whether you eat or drink, or whatever you do, do all to the glory of God." So that whether I'm at church on Sunday morning or at work in the middle of the night or at a coffee shop with a friend, I'm doing it all to the glory of God. Not consumed with ME (when, lets face it, the life of a single person is often all about ME), but filled with Him.

My soul is thirsty and aching and filled with longing. Herein lies the answer: Isaiah 58:10-11;

"If you extend your soul to the hungry,

And satisfy the afflicted soul,

Then your light shall dawn in the darkness,

And your darkness shall be as the noonday.

The Lord will guide you continually,

And satisfy your soul in drought,

And strengthen your bones;

You shall be like a watered garden,

And like a spring of water whose waters do not fail."

O, Lord, I make my life a prayer to You. Teach me to walk in the Spirit, to hear a word behind me telling me to turn to the left of the right (Isaiah 30:21). Teach me to walk in the old paths. I don't want to waste this one life that You have given me. I don't want to waste another breath. May I be like a drink offering, poured out for You, O my King.

Breaking Free

Lately I have been struck by the enormity of God's grace. Not to say that I fully understand or grasp it, but there have been these defining moments where Iam utterly blown away by His mercy and love. Moments in my life where I blatantly said in my heart, "Lord, I don't care what you have to say, this is the way I want to walk." And instead of striking me down right there or turning His back on me forever, He stretched out His hand and gave me another chance to grasp it.

Manasseh was a king of Judah in the Old Testament. He was one of the worst kings and did evil in the sight of the Lord. He placed a carved idol in the House ofthe Lord, he openly worshiped false gods and led the people to do the same. He lived a life in blatant opposition to what the Lord commanded and led an entire nation away from the Lord.

2 Chronicles 33:10-13 says, "And the Lord spoke to Manasseh and his people, but they would not listen. Therefore the Lord brought upon them the captains of the army of the king of Assyria, who took Manasseh with hooks and bound him with bronze fetters, and carried him off to Babylon. Now when he was in affliction, he implored the Lord his God, and humbled himself greatly before the God of his fathers, and prayed to Him: and He received his entreaty, heard his supplication, and brought him back to Jerusalem into his kingdom. Then Manasseh knew that the LORD was God."

Some people view God like He is out to get us or like He doesn't care what happens to us. But this is a far cry from the truth. God is the God ofRedemption. He desires that none should perish. Did you catch that? None. Hecame that we would have life and life to the full. He came to bind up the brokenhearted, to set the captives free, to give sight to the blind, to heal the sick.He came for you, for me, for that coworker that gets under your skin, that thick headed family member, the checker at the grocery store, the drunk on the corner with a sign, and every other person. But He didn't come to just save you. He came to save you and then use you to point others to Him. Don't miss out on what Christ has called us to. This life is but a vapor, here and then gone.