More than a Starbucks life

Last night I dreamt of one of my last nights in Africa. The night the baby died, his mother not far behind. The tears I cried for her, the ones she wasn't free to shed as her infant was placed in a cardboard box on the ground. The dream was as haunting as the real experience had been. I woke up disoriented this morning.

Strange that I should find myself here, in a townhouse, living alone. Four walls that give me "security." Rooms filled with things. What am I doing? How'd I get here? This is the opposite of the life I've always longed to live. Weeks go by, slipping into months, fading into years. I feel trapped and claustrophobic. Am I destined to spend my the rest of my days longing for something I don't have? Longing for my own home, my own family? Am I destined to spend the rest of my nights working graveyard, under the glaring stare of florescent lights in a hospital?

My heart cries out for more. It's like I am watching myself from the outside, screaming at myself to not waste my life. Yet each day that passes brings more certainty that I am indeed wasting my life. Oh Jesus, I need You to do a work in me. You are the giver of life and I know that only through You will I truly be made alive again. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear You Lord.

Distraction

Today I had orientation for my new job. It included lots of sitting and powerpoint presentations. Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to take advantage of this time and make a list of every other thing I’d rather be doing…

1) Buy bird paper to make cards (thanks for the idea, Elle. Put a bird on it = art)
2) Come up with a running plan
3) Look for slightly-used running shoes online
4) Meet one on one with each high school girl going to Mexico in two weeks
5) Go on a personal retreat to spend time with the Lord seeking clarity and direction and vision for my life
6) Borrow Leah’s guitar
7) Buy tickets to a play or opera for Papa’s birthday weekend in San Francisco next week
8) Find leaves and/or sawdust for my smelly compost
9) Buy more herbs to grow indoors
10) Buy Na’s dining room table
11) Diligently look for a roommate
12) Practice Spanish. Take another class. Become an English tutor to someone Spanish-speaking. 13) Look for a job that doesn’t include keeping ridiculous hours (doctor’s office? School nurse? Health department?)
14) Stop being lazy and apathetic and get involved in ministering to the least of these. Homeless ministry? Volunteer at the Pregnancy Resource Center?
15) Explore creativity – make more writing goals, work on THE BOOK, paint things, take some djemba lessons
16) Finish the Candyland project for Austin
17) Finish making the aprons for Taylor, Sevan, and Lily – everyone loves belated Christmas presents
18) Send a care package to John-Michael and clan in Kaua’i
19) Look on half.com for SkippyJon Jones books for Elijah
20)Get a cat? Might as well fully embrace the stereotype. (Don't tell Amy or Kyla or they will talk me out of it)
21) Get a bike
22) Sign up for a half marathon. Look for a triathlon. Learn to swim.
23) Go to Disneyland with the sistahs and kiddos in October?
24) Europe next spring?
25) Entrepreneur ideas (I don’t want to spend the rest of my working life under florescent lights) – lay midwifery, doula, childbirth education…
26) Become a barista
27) Figure out things I haven’t done or seen in the Rogue Valley and then go do them slash see them
28) Develop my couchsurfing.com profile. Get another couch. Get a guest bed.
29) Buy a used camera and pretend to be a photographer

30) Grow my own bean sprouts
Send hand-written letters to all those people I’ve been meaning to send hand-written letters to.