A fulfilled life with unfulfilled desires

"God never witholds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God's refusals are always merciful -- "severe mercies" at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better." Elisabeth Elliot

And so the sifting process begins again. I'm not sure why I ever think it's through. God is ever refining and shaping me into the woman He created me to be. He could make my life easy and pain-free, but not if He's going to conform me to the image of His Son. I have this image of my broken, sliced open, and hemorrhaging heart. A band-aid would do me no good. Instead, the Lord's nail-scarred hand applies deep, breath-taking pressure. Oh how it hurts! But I know through this pain and discomfort will come ultimate healing. He wants to bind up my brokenheart in order to make me whole again. Rather, to make me whole for the first time.

I love the passages of scripture that compare us to trees planted by streams of water (Psalm 1:1-3; Isaiah 61:1-3). How I long to be like a tree, firmly rooted in Christ. Quenched by the water of the word, growing by the light of the Son. Steadfast and unshakable, despite the chaos around me, despite disappointment, despite heartache. Gazing always heavenward, eyes fixed upon Jesus, no matter if I stand in a forest or stand alone. Would that He was my only desire!

Stone eggs

My childhood companions, whom I call "the loneliness birds," have returned, laying their stone eggs in my heart. Would that I could be rid of them once and for all. Would that I could live out Isaiah 26:3, "You (Yahweh) will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts You." Instead my mind is filled with other things. Of my beloved grandfather, who stubbornly refuses to place his hope in Christ. Of my brother, who lives a few blocks from me and yet remains a world apart. Of my Greek family, going to trial this week over Yia Yia's estate. Of a friend who had a miscarriage last week.

Sometimes I feel like Paul in 2 Corinthians 1:8 "...burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life." Except that my burdens seem nothing in comparison. No one is threatening to beat me or imprison me or kill me. I feel very unjustified in feeling burdened or weighed down in the first place. I have an incredibly blessed life and am without excuse. The truth is, the anxious thoughts that keep me up at night are usually not of the hurting people in my life. They're much more self-centered. What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? Am I wasting my life? Will I end up like crazy Aunt Imogen afterall?

My heart has been so off. It's time to look again at what the Lord has done for me, through me, in spite of me. If you know me, you know I love lists (A, B, 3, etc.). Here's a list of sorts...

Things I'm grateful for:
The Lord's unending patience with my wayward, fickle heart
Dave and Keri's wedding, their godly example, their steadfast devotion to the glory of God
A heart strong enough to handle copious amounts of coffee
Snow-covered hills in Ashland
Laughing with Grado and Elle
Cafe Brasil
Tickets for To Kill a Mockingbird!
Getting all the days off for spring break in Mexico - praise the Lord!
Living near my sisters, geographically and in my soul
New favorite artists like Norah Jean and The Civil Wars
Being asked to be the co-maid of honor at Leah's wedding
My compost worms are still alive (so are my houseplants!)
Lunch dates with Papa
Dark chocolate with sea salt and almonds
God's love for me. Still blows me away.
Nutella
Getting taxes back and paying off a loan
Coffee dates with Amo
Naps
Remembering that this world is not our home. It gets so much better than all this heartache.
A car that keeps running (and a radio that plays loudly so I don't have to hear the odd noises the car makes)
The 3D ultrasound of my tenth niece or nephew
Finding out an eleventh niece or nephew is due in September
The promise of Spring
A phone call from a friend I haven't talked to in a while
Highschool students that invite me to be a part of their lives
Hope

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart, even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."