Trust me

Trust me, I have not earned your dear rebuke, -

I love, as you would have me, God the most.

Would lose not Him, but you, must one be lost,

Nor with Lot's wife cast back a faithless look,

Unready to forego what I forsook.

This say I, having counted up the cost;

This, though 't be the feeblest of God's host,

The sorriest sheep Christ shepherds with His crook,

Yet, while I love my God the most, I deem

That I can never love you over much:

I love Him more, so let me love you too;

Yea, as I apprehend it, love is such

I cannot love you if I love not Him,

I cannot love Him if I love not you

~Christina Rossetti

Patrick

As I was getting out of my car on Good Friday, a man approached me, "Miss, do you have any spare change so I could get something to eat, miss? I understand if you're strapped for money or don't have any to spare. Just thought I'd ask." His speech was slurred and he couldn't walk a straight line. He tripped and almost fell as he walked nearer. "Sorry, miss, I haven't slept in a long time. And I've smoked a lot of

pot today." The smell of alcohol wafted from his breath.

I had a measly two bucks, which I handed to him. I have no idea if he bought food with it, but it doesn't really matter. As I talked with him, I could almost hear the Lord saying, "Brianna, this is Me." Matthew 25: 40 "And the King will answer and say to them, 'Assuredly I say to you, inasmuch as you did it to one of the least of these, My brethren, you did it to Me." We ended up talking about the Lord, about His amazing love. I felt overwhelmed by my own selfishness. If Patrick hadn't approached me, I don't think I would have seen him. I wonder how often I miss out on encounters such as these because I am simply absorbed in my own world.

This year I have become more aware and thankful of what Christ did for us then ever before. Do you ever think about the Cross and feel as if you're seeing Him for the first time? Like you hear His call for the first time, to come and follow? Oh Lord, let me not forget again. Take this life of mine and use it for Your glory.

He gives us beauty for ashes

On Thursday of last week, a twenty-four year old man massacred an elementary school in Rio de Janeiro, Brazil. He killed twelve children - lined them up facing a wall and shot them in the back of the head, one by one. He injured twelve others. Innocent lives, snuffed out. I can’t help but think of the kids I met in the short time I spent in Rio 18 months ago, whose young lives were already riddled with tragedy and difficulty. My heart aches.

Life is hard. Often filled with pain, heartache, death, separation, and tears. Satan, the father of lies, tries to convince us to buy into counterfeit things. We become distracted by what this world has to offer – cheap imitations of true life, joy, and peace. As I read through Philippians, I’m reminded that this world is truly not our home. We were created for something better than this.

Revelation 21:1-4 “Now I saw a new heaven and a new earth, for the first heaven and the first earth had passed away. Also there was no more sea. Then I, John, saw the holy city, New Jerusalem, coming down out of heaven from God, prepared as a bride adorned for her husband. And I heard a loud voice from heaven saying, “Behold, the tabernacle of God is with men, and He will dwell with them, and they shall be His people, God Himself will be with them and be their God. And God will wipe away every tear from their eyes; there shall be no more death, nor sorrow, nor crying. There shall be no more pain, for the former things have passed away.”

Praise God! Oh what we have to look forward to! Lord, save me from becoming distracted with anything but You. For to me to live is Christ, to die is gain. You are life, You are hope, You are the only Way.

Post-Mexico Thoughts

"If a commission by an earthly king is considered an honor, how can a commission by a Heavenly King be considered a sacrifice?" David Livingstone

One morning in Mexico, a few of us got up early and went jogging through the Mexican country hillside. The sun was barely peaking over the horizon and the moon was high in the sky. A few stars were left scattered in the dawn. It was cool and crisp and the air felt pink (do you know what I mean?). We ran on an old dirt hill, alongside some vineyards. There were no cars around. Only the sound of dogs barking, birds chirping, and the thud, thud of our feet hitting the ground.

It was difficult to see where we were going. The road was littered with potholes and mud puddles. By the time we turned around the horizon looked on fire as the sun came up, a ribbon at a time. I was amazed at how bright it seemed, just by the act of turning around and facing the sun.

Oh how similar our lives are to that. As we put our back to the Son (Jesus) and try to go our own way, it's nearly impossible to see where we're going. Potholes and pitfalls are scattered all around us, causing us to trip and fall and lose our way. But when we turn around and run towards to Son, the path is lit before us (Psalm 119:105 "Thy Word is a lamp unto my feet and a light unto my path."). The road doesn't become perfect and smooth, but we can see clearly to avoid the potholes. We have direction and clarity.

More than a Starbucks life

Last night I dreamt of one of my last nights in Africa. The night the baby died, his mother not far behind. The tears I cried for her, the ones she wasn't free to shed as her infant was placed in a cardboard box on the ground. The dream was as haunting as the real experience had been. I woke up disoriented this morning.

Strange that I should find myself here, in a townhouse, living alone. Four walls that give me "security." Rooms filled with things. What am I doing? How'd I get here? This is the opposite of the life I've always longed to live. Weeks go by, slipping into months, fading into years. I feel trapped and claustrophobic. Am I destined to spend my the rest of my days longing for something I don't have? Longing for my own home, my own family? Am I destined to spend the rest of my nights working graveyard, under the glaring stare of florescent lights in a hospital?

My heart cries out for more. It's like I am watching myself from the outside, screaming at myself to not waste my life. Yet each day that passes brings more certainty that I am indeed wasting my life. Oh Jesus, I need You to do a work in me. You are the giver of life and I know that only through You will I truly be made alive again. Give me eyes to see and ears to hear You Lord.

Distraction

Today I had orientation for my new job. It included lots of sitting and powerpoint presentations. Thankfully, I had the presence of mind to take advantage of this time and make a list of every other thing I’d rather be doing…

1) Buy bird paper to make cards (thanks for the idea, Elle. Put a bird on it = art)
2) Come up with a running plan
3) Look for slightly-used running shoes online
4) Meet one on one with each high school girl going to Mexico in two weeks
5) Go on a personal retreat to spend time with the Lord seeking clarity and direction and vision for my life
6) Borrow Leah’s guitar
7) Buy tickets to a play or opera for Papa’s birthday weekend in San Francisco next week
8) Find leaves and/or sawdust for my smelly compost
9) Buy more herbs to grow indoors
10) Buy Na’s dining room table
11) Diligently look for a roommate
12) Practice Spanish. Take another class. Become an English tutor to someone Spanish-speaking. 13) Look for a job that doesn’t include keeping ridiculous hours (doctor’s office? School nurse? Health department?)
14) Stop being lazy and apathetic and get involved in ministering to the least of these. Homeless ministry? Volunteer at the Pregnancy Resource Center?
15) Explore creativity – make more writing goals, work on THE BOOK, paint things, take some djemba lessons
16) Finish the Candyland project for Austin
17) Finish making the aprons for Taylor, Sevan, and Lily – everyone loves belated Christmas presents
18) Send a care package to John-Michael and clan in Kaua’i
19) Look on half.com for SkippyJon Jones books for Elijah
20)Get a cat? Might as well fully embrace the stereotype. (Don't tell Amy or Kyla or they will talk me out of it)
21) Get a bike
22) Sign up for a half marathon. Look for a triathlon. Learn to swim.
23) Go to Disneyland with the sistahs and kiddos in October?
24) Europe next spring?
25) Entrepreneur ideas (I don’t want to spend the rest of my working life under florescent lights) – lay midwifery, doula, childbirth education…
26) Become a barista
27) Figure out things I haven’t done or seen in the Rogue Valley and then go do them slash see them
28) Develop my couchsurfing.com profile. Get another couch. Get a guest bed.
29) Buy a used camera and pretend to be a photographer

30) Grow my own bean sprouts
Send hand-written letters to all those people I’ve been meaning to send hand-written letters to.

A fulfilled life with unfulfilled desires

"God never witholds from His child that which His love and wisdom call good. God's refusals are always merciful -- "severe mercies" at times but mercies all the same. God never denies us our hearts desire except to give us something better." Elisabeth Elliot

And so the sifting process begins again. I'm not sure why I ever think it's through. God is ever refining and shaping me into the woman He created me to be. He could make my life easy and pain-free, but not if He's going to conform me to the image of His Son. I have this image of my broken, sliced open, and hemorrhaging heart. A band-aid would do me no good. Instead, the Lord's nail-scarred hand applies deep, breath-taking pressure. Oh how it hurts! But I know through this pain and discomfort will come ultimate healing. He wants to bind up my brokenheart in order to make me whole again. Rather, to make me whole for the first time.

I love the passages of scripture that compare us to trees planted by streams of water (Psalm 1:1-3; Isaiah 61:1-3). How I long to be like a tree, firmly rooted in Christ. Quenched by the water of the word, growing by the light of the Son. Steadfast and unshakable, despite the chaos around me, despite disappointment, despite heartache. Gazing always heavenward, eyes fixed upon Jesus, no matter if I stand in a forest or stand alone. Would that He was my only desire!

Stone eggs

My childhood companions, whom I call "the loneliness birds," have returned, laying their stone eggs in my heart. Would that I could be rid of them once and for all. Would that I could live out Isaiah 26:3, "You (Yahweh) will keep him in perfect peace, whose mind is stayed on You, because he trusts You." Instead my mind is filled with other things. Of my beloved grandfather, who stubbornly refuses to place his hope in Christ. Of my brother, who lives a few blocks from me and yet remains a world apart. Of my Greek family, going to trial this week over Yia Yia's estate. Of a friend who had a miscarriage last week.

Sometimes I feel like Paul in 2 Corinthians 1:8 "...burdened beyond measure, above strength, so that we despaired even of life." Except that my burdens seem nothing in comparison. No one is threatening to beat me or imprison me or kill me. I feel very unjustified in feeling burdened or weighed down in the first place. I have an incredibly blessed life and am without excuse. The truth is, the anxious thoughts that keep me up at night are usually not of the hurting people in my life. They're much more self-centered. What am I doing with my life? Where am I going? Am I wasting my life? Will I end up like crazy Aunt Imogen afterall?

My heart has been so off. It's time to look again at what the Lord has done for me, through me, in spite of me. If you know me, you know I love lists (A, B, 3, etc.). Here's a list of sorts...

Things I'm grateful for:
The Lord's unending patience with my wayward, fickle heart
Dave and Keri's wedding, their godly example, their steadfast devotion to the glory of God
A heart strong enough to handle copious amounts of coffee
Snow-covered hills in Ashland
Laughing with Grado and Elle
Cafe Brasil
Tickets for To Kill a Mockingbird!
Getting all the days off for spring break in Mexico - praise the Lord!
Living near my sisters, geographically and in my soul
New favorite artists like Norah Jean and The Civil Wars
Being asked to be the co-maid of honor at Leah's wedding
My compost worms are still alive (so are my houseplants!)
Lunch dates with Papa
Dark chocolate with sea salt and almonds
God's love for me. Still blows me away.
Nutella
Getting taxes back and paying off a loan
Coffee dates with Amo
Naps
Remembering that this world is not our home. It gets so much better than all this heartache.
A car that keeps running (and a radio that plays loudly so I don't have to hear the odd noises the car makes)
The 3D ultrasound of my tenth niece or nephew
Finding out an eleventh niece or nephew is due in September
The promise of Spring
A phone call from a friend I haven't talked to in a while
Highschool students that invite me to be a part of their lives
Hope

2 Corinthians 4: 16-18 "Therefore we do not lose heart, even though our outward man is perishing, yet the inward man is being renewed day by day. For our light affliction, which is but for a moment, is working for us a far more exceeding and eternal weight of glory, while we do not look at the things which are seen, but at the things which are not seen. For the things which are seen are temporary, but the things which are not seen are eternal."